Of Dead Cats and Dildos: A James Potter Birthday Fic
by CowboySteel
Summary: It's James Potter's birthday and he's managed to incur no less than 3 detentions. Good job Lily's around to give him a better birthday present then. Rated for dead cat. And dildo mentions. (p.s. it's not as weird as it sounds...or maybe it is.) J/L


**lanadelraejepsen** replied to your post: james potter's birthday (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ彡┻━┻

_**PROMPT: "well I wasn't the one that killed her, but I was caught holding the dildo," James chuckled seductively**_

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Before Filch had a cat called Mrs Norris, he had a cat called Mrs Flibbert. She was an old, grey coloured cat, with a flat-face and a grumpy demeanour. She was pretty much what you'd expect from any old cat of Filch's – ratty, mean and ill-tempered. And Filch loved her for it.

The same couldn't be said for the Marauders. Mrs Flibbert had taken a disliking to those four boys from the moment they stepped into Hogwarts' hallowed halls. She had got them caught no less than 53 times, and once she scratched Sirius' legs so hard, he had been forced to go to Madam Pomfrey for a salve. Sirius had never forgiven her, and his friends were hardly any fonder. She was a nuisance and a spoil-sport and frankly, they considered Hogwarts would be better off without her mewling around the place.

One warm spring day, Mrs Flibbert was found dead, curled up in the corner of an old broom cupboard. She was a very old cat, and no one was particularly surprised. But that didn't stop Filch's wail as he picked up his dead cat and ran straight into the Marauders.

"You did this!" he spat.

All four boys looked down at the cat in his arms and recoiled. Sirius turned up his nose.

"Believe me, we didn't," he said, eyeing the cat with nothing but the disgust one would expect when looking at a dead cat in the arms of a foul-tempered caretaker.

"You did! I know you did! My cat is dead! And you killed her!" Filch looked close to tears, and the boys, who were trying desperately not to laugh, all felt a pang of pity for the old man.

James, glancing from his friends to the caretaker, stepped towards him boldly, putting a tentative hand on his shoulder.

"There, there," he said stupidly. "I know it's sad."

Remus had to elbow Sirius in the stomach as he snorted loudly. James smirked at him but quickly wiped it away, when Filch looked up at him.

Filch pulled his shoulder away angrily. "There," he snarled, tucking his cat under his arm and pointing at James' face. "You did it! I saw your face! You killed her!"

As Filch became more and more irate, his voice grew louder, echoing down the halls. Several people stopped what they were doing to look. The Marauders sighed.

"Look, it wasn't us, Mr Filch," Peter said kindly, looking to the others for encouragement. "She was just old."

"She was fine yesterday! When she found you lot skulking about the Forest! It was you, you killed her, ADMIT IT!" He started forward, brandishing his fist but Professor Slughorn chose that moment to intervene, accompanied by a bewildered Lily Evans.

"Now, now, Argus, what's all this about?" He looked down and noticed the dead cat. "Merlin's beard, that cat's not dead is it?" He bent his head to get a closer look before pulling it away again very quickly.

"They killed her! They killed Mrs Flibbert!" Filch said, causing Lily's eyebrows to rise, looking directly at James questioningly.

"What?" she mouthed, but James shook his head silently. Filch was still shouting and Slughorn was trying his best to calm the mad man down.

He pulled him to the side, and Lily took the opportunity to move closer to James and his friends.

"Did you really kill her?"

"No, of course not," James said with a grin. "He's lost the plot."

Lily looked at him dubiously and he held his hands up, his mouth open to protest his innocence.

"It wasn't me, I promise. I wouldn't do that," he said, sincerely even as his eyes flashed with laughter.

Lily seemed to believe him this time, but it didn't stop her from snorting at him.

"Oh don't pretend you have morals. Remind me what you got a detention for this morning again? Lewd behaviour?"

James grinned at her. "Ah well, I wasn't the one that killed her," he started, nodding towards their mental caretaker and his dead cat, "But I was caught holding that dildo."

Lily pulled a face of pure disgust and pushed him away, though with no real conviction. "You're disgusting!"

"I'm fantastic!"

"James, you were caught holding a dildo in Professor Fata's classroom, how is that in any way fantastic?!"

"You didn't see what I was going to do with it..." He stumbled backwards as she pushed him again. He laughed.

"It was Sirius'," he said truthfully, pointing at his friend who shot Lily a winning smile from where he had been chuckling with the other two. "He thought it would be funny to give it to me as my birthday present and he threw it to me and before I could get rid of it, Fata walked in and started accusing me of perversion." He tutted. "As if it's _that_ perverted, _really_."

A small smile tugged at the corners of Lily's lips, and James couldn't help but smile back. "It's a bit perverted," she said. "I'm not surprised you got a detention." James nodded but she continued. "Shame it's on your birthday though."

James nodded again, and Lily glanced back at Slughorn and Filch. "So you didn't kill the cat?" she asked, her mischief not hidden by her smile.

James shook his head. "Nope."

Lily nodded and turned to look up at him, innocently. "Seems like Filch is pretty distracted with Slughorn, doesn't it?"

James looked back towards the pair and caught on. Lily had been with Slughorn...and now, she stood with him. He looked at his friends who had stopped laughing and who now stood behind rolling their eyes at the pair's exchange. He smirked and looked down back at Lily. "Run," he said simply, before taking her hand and legging it away from Filch and Slughorn, ignoring Filch's wild shouts of anger as they followed them down the hall. Filch would have them for this, innocent or not, because they had run away, but James thought that, for once, it might be worth it.

Slowing down as they reached Gryffindor common room, Lily removed her hand from James and he tried his best not to look disappointed. The Marauders nodded a quick, silent goodbye and scrambled into the portrait hole, leaving Head Boy and Head Girl alone. Lily was panting against the wall.

"For someone's who's innocent," she said breathlessly, "you sure ran pretty fast."

He smiled and leant beside her. "I didn't want them to catch us. Two detentions on my birthday would just be sad, especially seeing as I didn't do anything this time."

Lily grinned at him and they were silent for a moment. Lily straightened up, and ran a hand through her hair, dusting off her skirt. She stood in front of James and held out a hand to pull him up. "Come on then, birthday boy," she teased, "I can think of better things to do today." James' eyebrows shot up into his hair as he took her hand and she pulled him away from the portrait hole and into a space behind a cleverly placed tapestry. James had never been more thankful for Hogwarts' tricks. Before he knew it, his back was pressed against the wall and Lily pressed her lips firmly against his own. Taken by surprise though he was, his eyes closed and his hands moved to her waist gently before he pulled away.

"Oi Evans?"

Lily bit her lip. "What, Potter? You're interrupting..." She leant back in to kiss him but he dodged her.

"That dildo thing didn't turn you on, did it?"

Lily shoved him in the chest and laughed loudly. "No," she said, as if she was speaking to an idiot. "I think it was the dead cat that did it."

It was James' turn to laugh now, but Lily cut him off, catching his lips with hers once more, making him forget the joke as easily as she had made it.

Unsurprisingly James was ten minutes late to his detention that evening, earning him another – the third awarded around his birthday. But frankly, James couldn't care less about three detentions, when the best thing to come out of his birthday had been one kiss from Lily Evans. The first birthday kiss of many, many more. He'd end up having four more years of birthday kisses from Lily Evans and the only thing that was going to change was her surname.

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_A/N: I hope you enjoyed it! It was a tough prompt from a friend of mine. Tsk._


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